A Very Merry Un-Valentine...

I feel like a celebrity making a press release... only I've always wanted to be a celebrity, and I can scarcely imagine anything much worse than writing what I'm about to write.

Most of the few of you that read my blog will know this, but for those of you who are reading from afar, here it is.

I write about my boyfriend, Evan, often. He has been one of my best friends since 10th grade, and even when we have been far away and distracted, we have turned to each other for support from time to time. We started dating a year and a half ago, and it has been wonderful. After much thought and prayer, though, Evan and I have broken up. God is doing so much in my life and in his, and right now it appears that His will for our lives does not necessarily involve each other.

This has been incredibly hard on me, and I don't expect it to get better anytime soon. I have prayed and begged and pleaded, believe me, but I am trusting God. I am finding rest and assurance in a God that bore the weight of the world on His shoulders for my salvation, a Savior that has a perfect plan for my life.

As typical of my generation, I sent a mass text to my nearest and dearest when it first happened; I just couldn't bear the thought of someone mistakenly calling me up to ask what Ev and I had planned for the weekend. Immediately, my friends started pouring out their love for me and offering to come pick me up or talk to me or call me. I am brought to tears just thinking about how my incredible friends lifted me up as my heart broke within me. I do not, though, want to talk about it. Some of you may be tempted to call me: don't. Please know that I love you, but if you call me, please don't ask me what happened or if I've heard from him. My heart is broken, and with every changing season I'll remember what I was doing with Evan this time last year or something like that... what I need right now is love and distraction and laughter, not to repeat the conversations and events that led to this decision.

I am not ashamed to ask anyone who's willing to pray for me-- and Evan-- at this time. I'm getting a lot of "God has a plan" from loved ones, and I know that to be true... but I'm desperate to see that plan right about now, because this feels pretty lousy.

Don't feel sorry for me, though... and don't worry, I'm sure you'll hear the conversations and events somewhere down the grapevine. ;)

Life is short but sweet for certain.

Few things in this life are certain. We're not promised a tomorrow, not even another breath.

But I've narrowed down a few things that are certain, rock-solid fact.

First, I worship a God that is all-knowing; He knew before I was a twinkle in my parents' eye, He knew me in my mother's womb, and even now He knows the count of every hair on my head and every thought and desire of my anxious heart. He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future (Jer. 29:11). And this life, this beautiful and terrifying life, is just a blip before I spend an eternity worshipping at the feet of the One who loved me first.

Green is the most perfect color. It's vibrant and full of energy, and my personal favorite is primary, kelly green. My sunglasses are green, my sheets are green, my fingerless gloves are green, two of my scarves are green, my favorite throw is green... and the beat goes on.

John Mayer is my generation sexiest artist. Period. His face and neck strain with every chord and lyric, and his passion is palpable. Not to mention his undeniable talent that is so beautiful it can only be described in the ugliest words: sick, disgusting, wicked.

My family is one of my greatest blessings. My mom is my best friend, and my dad can always make me laugh. Always.

Harry Potter is the best series of books ever written. I cry every time I read them over again because running out of words is like losing a friend.

Beth Moore is unquestionably my favorite Christian author. I believe God has used her in a big, big way in my life, and I wholeheartedly recommend that anyone and everyone read Believing God.

I've always wanted to be a celebrity, but I've never been certain what for... I love to sing, but I'm pretty average; I'm quite the drama-queen, but probably not Oscar-worthy. I love to write, though, but I'm not a creative writer. I can't just make up characters or dream up other worlds. I've been so inspired by Beth Moore, though, that I think if I'm ever noteworthy it will be because God poured into me and straight through my fingertips onto a Word document. Since I don't really make things up, I write about what I know... and if there's one thing I know, it's a God who redeems me and heals me time after time after time.

Naps are the greatest escape and medicine for my soul. Call me a coward, but when my heart is weary and I cannot deal, the only thing I know to do is curl up and pray to a Father who hears me until I fall asleep and leave my situation. A minister once described falling asleep while praying (something I'm endlessly guilty of) to me as falling asleep in your Father's lap, like you did with your earthly father as a child. I think about that a lot and take great comfort in the visual.

Every character on Gilmore Girls, mostly, annoys me to death... but as an ensemble, the show is magic. I will watch every episode over and over.

Okay, that list got out of hand. Maybe more than a few things in life are for certain.

I mean, I kind of had to, didn't I?

Do you think you'll ever be in love?

I've thought I was in love several times (sing it to me Taylor Swift, "When you're 15 and someone tells you they love you, you're gonna believe it..."), but mostly I've just been "in like" or "in fascination"... I've never not loved Evan though. He was my best guy friend in high school, which made it incredibly easy to fall in love with him on boat rides on Lake Guntersville under the hot July sun just a couple of summers ago...

Do you miss anyone?

Evan can attest that some days I have overwhelming home-sicknesses. There are just these days when I want to hear my dad's laugh down the hallway or see my mom sitting at the kitchen table, glasses perched on her nose, reading the paper and surrounded by all the family pets. I'm shocked to say that I miss Wednesday night chapters and brief moments of fashion police and passing notes with my favorites in my pledge class. I miss Lauren, who is easily the only friend I've ever been completely comfortable with... I never worried if Lauren was bored or wishing she was somewhere else because we could just be. Over Christmas break, I had more "girls nights" then I've had in my lifetime, and it's safe to say I miss my female fellowship with Anna and Erica and newlywed Lele. So yeah, I miss a few people.

What are you listening to?

I was watching Gilmore Girls, but in the course of my blogging it has faded into What I Like About You, which reminds me that it's time for my daily dose of What Not to Wear.

If you could be anywhere, where would you choose to be?

Traveling is one of my passions, so I'm up for going anywhere. I struggle, though, with wanting to revisit places I've been and fallen in love with or going somewhere completely different and new. I would love to return to Sweden and stay with my "brother" or go back to my previous summer home, Italy, where Peter walked and preached so many centuries ago or do England over again since I have developed such an obsession since I was last there... At the same time, though, I need to visit Paris and Greece and Germany and Egypt and Israel, not to mention the places I haven't been stateside: Boston, Seattle, LA, New Orleans, Charleston, San Francisco, Savannah, Dallas... or go back to DC or Chicago or NYC or Wyoming or Vegas.

Thanks for focusing the rest of my day on traveling daydreams, survey.

Did you laugh at all today?

I haven't had a sincere "lol" moment yet today because I just haven't been awake long enough, but I've been amused several times.

Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with?

Evan, whose sweet grandmother passed away yesterday morning.

What color are your sheets?

They are bright green, and my precious "in-laws" gave them to me for my birthday. They're silky soft and have a weird sheen to them, which gives them kind of a trashy look, and I love them so so much.

Are you clumsy?

I have my moments, but I've never considered myself particularly clumsy, no.

What made you start liking the person your currently into?

Look out, this could get long. I met Evan when I was in 8th grade and he was on the golf team that my dad coached. I would hang out on the driving range-- this trend goes back to when I was a toddler-- while the boys swung and hacked away. I don't know how we got into it, but Evan sang the "Elmo Song" to me. It was so funny and sweetly embarrassing and genuine. Later, in high school, Evan made me laugh constantly and looked at me like I was the only person in the room (don't get me wrong, I loved this, but I was not "into" him yet). Later in life, when I knew that I knew that I knew that I knew that Evan was one of the most intelligent, wittiest, genuinely kind men I had ever met, I had that "duh" moment.

What will you be doing tonight?

Tonight I'll go to class, and then I'll make the long drive home to be with the Harveys.

Will you be up before 7am tommorow?

Almost definitely not.

Do you believe that there's good in everybody?

I would like to think so...

If there were no letters on the keys on your keyboard could you still type?

It might take me a second to get going, but once I had my bearings, definitely.

In the past week have you cried?

No, I don't think so. Almost last night, but nope.

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

Like any good girlfriend, Evan. Duh.

If a guy/girl put their jacket on a puddle for you, would you actually walk on it?

I would much rather a guy pick me up and swing me over the puddle, like you'd see in a musical. But to answer your question, absolutely not.

What distance would you go to see someone you really liked?

I have driven as many as three hours, but I think that's the max so far. That's not to say it's as far as I would go, though...

Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your own bed?

Any time I'm at the Harvey house, I immediately fall asleep on the red couch.

Do you watch MTV anymore?

Can't say that I do, unless there's and ANTM marathon (duh).

So, what do you want for your birthday?

I want to go to my Papaw's lake and fish and maybe take a boat ride on the lake to look at houses and then sing around a fire in my back yard... with everyone I love in this world.

If you had to choose what your mother would wear for the rest of her life, would you?

Maybe... sometimes Mom's spot on, sometimes... she's not. :)

If your best-friend told you that she was going to get a new haircut, that you thought was ugly, would you try to tell her not to?

Lauren and I are the queen of hair cuts and colors; I would gladly give her my opinion.

Do you think this year will be better than the last?

I don't see why not, although I did some pretty rockin' things in '09...

Strange Love.

My boyfriend, Evan, at random-- usually quiet-- times will pose theoretical questions to me to pass the time. A lot of the time they involve celebrities, and it's usually a hard choice, like... "Dr. Cox or Dr. House?" Dr. Cox is a devious but lovable doctor from one of my favorites shows, Scrubs. Dr. House is a devious but lovable doctor from another favorite, House. They're both enormous jerks but so clever and witty that you can help but feel endeared to them and even attracted. Maybe it's that complex that many women struggle with... hoping to find the rebel that only she can change. That's how it goes in my television-doc fantasies... the untamable is tamed by me, of course.

One of Evan's other favorite questions to pose is this: Who is your weirdest crush?

My answer is always.... Conan O'Brien.

See what I mean? Not your traditional heart-thumpin' attractive. But there's something about ol' CoCo... he's genuine and very funny, and, most importantly he's very intelligent and tall.

I've thought a lot about this question for some reason, and I've come up with some other strange loves...

Again, these men are not stunning. You wouldn't walk past them on the sidewalk and do a double-take. What they have in common, though, is an incredible sense of humor. This is easily, in my humble opinion, the most attractive asset a man can have (other than height and good teeth... but they can't really help that, can they?). These are the kind of guys you could sit down and have a conversation with. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to hang out with Matt Damon or Josh Duhamel, but let's be honest... I'm going to have a hard time forming words with drool pouring out of my mouth. They're not the kind of guys I can be myself around. Steve and me, though, we could shoot the breeze... he'd tell me jokes and fall in love with my laugh (because he'd be hearing a lot of just that). Bill would try out his latest impressions on me, and I'd sweetly critique them and try out a few of my own (I do a mean Ashlee Simpson). Will and I would talk about the good times and friends we have in common (other than Steve, Conan, Andy, and Bill), like my former Swedish exchange student David... who taught Will how to ice skate for Blades of Glory. Andy would probably right a sweet parody about me, but he'd manage to make it a YouTube success along the way.

Yep, there ya have it... my weird crushes... my funny faces.

i'm not gonna write you a love song.

I've been thinking about love a lot lately.

I use the word 'love' too much... but I love it.

So I just searched "love quotes from movies" because there's nothing like a good romantic movie when you're with your girlfriends or on a very special occasion when your boyfriend will actually watch a romantic movie... and these are a few that I liked.

He was like an angel, you know? I never knew life could be like that. He was the one thing I followed through in my life, the one thing I didn't give up on. I was good at loving him.

-- The Untamed Heart

And of course...

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it that you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

--Ten Things I Hate About You"

If you love someone you say it, you say it right then, out loud. Otherwise the moment just...
passes you by...

-My Best friend's Wedding

When you realise You want to spend
The rest of your life with somebody,
You want the rest of your life
To start as soon as possible.
--When Harry Met Sally

If I tell you I love you, can I keep you forever?

-- Casper

This kind of love certainly comes, but once in a lifetime.

-- Bridges of Madison County

A name makes no matter to me, as long as I can call you my own.

-- A Knight's Tale

You have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love and love and love you.

-- Pride and Prejudice

In these dreams I've loved you so, that by now I think I know what it's like to be loved by you. I will love being loved by you.

-- The King and I

I will love you my whole life. You and no other.

-- Braveheart

I could go on and on, because yes... this is what I do with my free time. I read about love and hope that I can feel all these things and that someone is inspired to feel them about me.

What a Day That Will Be

21 months ago, my grandfather was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. For those of you that don't know, in the world of cancers, pancreatic is a beast. It's the bully on the playground. It's fast-moving, painful, and aggressive. In April 2008, he was given until August 2008... and come August 2009, he was fairly certain he'd make it 'til Christmas. And he did. And he just missed his 83rd birthday by a month.

So today I sat in my grandfather's funeral. I sat and watched as the men at Lebanon Methodist Church brought extra chairs into the tiny chapel because the outpouring of love was so great and so large. I listened to stories of my grandfather's kindness and wit and laughed at the gentle pokes at his stubbornness and hesitance to spend money (my great-uncle was told by a car salesman NOT to bring Papaw back to the car lot). I didn't cry, though. I'm not a crier, and sometimes that embarrasses me... but not today. There is a void in my life where my sweet grandfather was, but his passing is a victory. He lived and loved and did both to the fullest.

People love to canonize the dead. My grandfather was no saint. I have seen him lose his temper. I have heard him utter and even exclaim phrases that cannot be repeated here. But Papaw never pretended to be perfect. In fact, he was quite humble and loved to love on others. He often embarrassed me by saying, "Lindsey got all her good looks from me... but she didn't leave me any!" He loved a good joke, and he loved to share stories. He taught me how to bait a hook with a live worm and how a "horse eats corn." The one thing he left me specifically is his gold-triggered shotgun, the one fabled to have killed my great-uncle Jim, and he loved that I was a better shot than my boyfriend. A day wasn't complete if he didn't work with his hands, and he would build frog caves in the sandbox for my cousins and me when we were small. More than once I brought my college friends home to his farm, and he delighted in teaching them how to cast a fishing line and introducing them to "Fred the Fish." Of course, you couldn't even get to the pond without a hayride behind the tractor or just a ride in the bed of the truck, where he would sling his leg over the side but caution everyone else to hold on for dear life.

No, my grandfather was no saint, but he was a good and strong man. Today I celebrated because today he is a good and perfect man. He is whole and happy and healthy, and I know this because I know my Papaw knew Jesus as his Savior. My mom and I have laughed a lot recently and mused about my brother dragging Papaw around Heaven showing him the ropes and introducing him to the whole gang. I like to think, too, that Papaw is fishing with the disciples and comparing notes on biggest catches (he caught a 20-pound bass on Smith Lake once).

This song was sang at the funeral today, and it hit me like never before. It's not just a funeral song, but a very real and exciting concept:

There is coming a day when no heartaches shall come
No more clouds in the sky, no more tears to dim the eye.
All is peace forevermore on that happy golden shore,
What a day, glorious day that will be.

What a day that will be when my Jesus I shall see,
And I look upon His face,
The One who saved me by His grace;
When He takes me by the hand
And leads me through the Promised Land,
What a day, glorious day that will be.

There'll be no sorrow there, no more burdens to bear,
No more sickness, no pain, no more parting over there;
And forever I will be with the One who died for me,
What a day, glorious day that will be.

What a day that will be when my Jesus I shall see,
And I look upon His face,
The One who saved me by His grace;
When He takes me by the hand
And leads me through the Promised Land,
What a day, glorious day that will be.
What a day, glorious day that will be!

I think this may be a re-run.

I love the holidays.

Love them.

That being said... The holidays are a marathon: they are high-energy and exhausting. Family members come in from afar and stay for days on end, which I consider a tremendous blessing, but in the wake of 5 family meals-a-day, coffee with high school friends, Tacky Christmas and other holiday parties, spontaneous class reunions, and late-night gab fests with old friends, there is very little time to just be.

There is not a lot of time to catch my breath and gaze into a Lake Guntersville sunset, and there's not a lot of time to meditate on God's glory. I have a hard time fitting in my quiet time, and when I do have a down moment I am incredibly selfish with it. It's incredibly hard not to snuggle up with my latest biography (Vivien Leigh waits for no one, I like to say), and sometimes just a long indulgent, hot shower has my name written all over it.

Lately, though, I have had the privilege of talking to some very dear friends about very serious matters. Sure, we talk about who's married to who and where so-and-so is now, but from time to time our conversations take a deeper turn into spirituality and our walks with our Maker. In fact, I have several sweet friends who talk about their relationship with Christ in their everyday conversation, and that is so refreshing to me.

I am so easily distracted. I mean that 100%. I am an interruptor, and I seldom finish a story without telling two or three side stories within it. So when I decide now is the perfect time to sit down and get into the Word, it is no big surprise that I am at the computer blogging about it instead.

But here is my resolution (just a little late): to make time, to make it my priority, to sit down and read a devotion and Scripture, to pray daily, and to talk openly and often about my walk. My prayer for this season of my life is to get plugged in somewhere... to some sort of Bible study, or just to find a church home in Tuscaloosa.

So there it is. I am so tired; the holidays, although thrilling and practically perfect, have completely worn me out. I am just reaching that point, two days before I return to the mania of grad school, where I can rest.

Now I'm going to hit the Good Book. I'm reading with it as my devotion My Utmost for His Highest, and it is so, so convicting.