Adventures in Wonderland

I'm a people watcher.

I inherited this observational from my mother, who is also an avid people watcher. Any time the two of us are together, our eyes are peeled and ears pricked to anything fascinating or unusual that might happen in our vicinity. The best times are when we casually turn to each other, make eye contact, and know without a word which human subject has caught the other's attention and why. Maybe it was their glaring body art or their blatant campaign to be on some magazine's Fashion Police section, but we always know.

I love subbing for this very reason. It's like working in a zoo. Seriously. Think back to the movie Mean Girls, where Lindsay Lohan's character often imagines her peers turning into wild animals... High school and junior high: just like that. It is prime people watching material.

The best part about this little universe, and I was absolutely 100% guilty of this, is their complete obliviousness to life outside of those public school walls. As a teen, I got the "Right now, you're a big fish in a little pond... but just wait til you get to college" speech more than once. At the time, I rolled my eyes because it seemed quite certain that college would be just a freer version of high school. Sure, I was wrong. So incredibly wrong. But you wouldn't have been able to convince me otherwise, so I don't try to convince my students now. Instead, I just smile and nod knowingly... They'll learn. One student tried to convince me that her life would end if I didn't let her check out a research book (against school rules) for her research paper. I looked at her thoughtfully for a moment before asking her if she intended on going to college. She said yes, so I took that as a sign to gently clue her in, "Then you need to thank your lucky stars for that research paper. I'd pay money to do THAT research paper instead of my own."

Okay, so sometimes I can't just smile and nod.

At the junior high level, I love how serious everything is. Legends are gospel. I heard a boy last week telling his friend with absolute authority that his grandmother used to work at the high school, and the high school lunchroom served Chick-Fil-A sandwiches and Pizza Hut everyday for lunch, and sometimes Chick-Fil-A chicken biscuits for breakfast. Maybe I shouldn't have, I probably embarrassed him, but I had to correct him. I couldn't let him go on like that only to have his dreams crushed on his first day in the cafeteria at good ol' GHS.

The longer I sub, and the more jobs I get, the more I realize that it is a necessity that I start keeping a record of all the things my students say because Bill Cosby was dead on the money: kids say the darndest things.

Listing Lindsey.

I make lists a lot.

I list, mentally or on paper, my day's routine and agenda, my needed grocery items, my school assignments, and so on. And sometimes, my life is full of so much good that I just need to list that too...

Things That Have Made Me Happy This Week

- Ultimate Frisbee with my favorite people in my favorite place in my favorite kind of weather.

- A party of 22 of my closest friends packing into a popular restaurant on a Saturday night.

- A new friend telling me that I always "roll with an entourage." Sometimes I need a little reminder that I am immeasurably blessed in the Friend Department.

- Corresponding with old friends after far, far too long.

- God's truth falling in my lap in the strangest places.

- A new praise and worship song shared by a not-so-new friend ("What Do I Know of Holy")

- Singing in front of my church congregation.

- Hugs-- long, hard hugs-- from very best friends.

- Beth Moore. I just can't get enough of her, and consequently I can't get enough of solid Bible study time in my life.

- Making new friends in grad school. I mean, sure... most of them are married with kids, but they genuinely care about me.

- Singing on Wednesdays with a bunch of old men and their bluegrass instruments (just kidding about the "old" thing, Dad...)

- Sookie Stackhouse novels.

- Substitute teaching. I haven't done it much yet, but man... pre-teens and teens are fascinating. They are dumb and wonderful and I love them.

- Spending time with my parents, who are surely the most wonderful, incredible people I know. I wish I had better adjectives than that, but I am truly at a loss.

- Planning a trip to Sweden. Oh yes. I'm going. Watch me go.

- Updating my wish lists on Urban Outfitters and Anthropolgie. (read: go there. buy me things.)

- iChatting with Al!

- And... drum roll, please... looking forward to the future. :)

Facebook Fanatic.

"I saw on Facebook that..."

How often do I use that phrase?

If the White House were bombed tonight, I wouldn't hear about it on the news. No, I'd see someone's status about it as I perused my Facebook newsfeed for the 7th time today.

In a world gone mad over technology and networking, Facebook is an undisputed phenomenon. Everyone you meet promises to "Friend" you, and businesses all over the world encourage you to become a "Fan." A relationship is never quite so stable and secure until both parties Facebook page proudly affirms, "In a Relationship with...," and if someone de-friends you on Facebook, it's a done deal. Your friendship, both cyber and real-world, is over.

We bleed our hearts out over Facebook chat and the occasional inbox message, and we send cheery "Happy Birthday!"s to people we haven't seen in years. As long as you start a sentence with, "I know I'm a creeper, but..." anything you say on or about Facebook is justified.

I don't write this in a hypocritical way but in total frankness. I should've started with, "Hi, my name is Lindsey, and I'm addicted to Facebook" because I, like millions the world over, am a slave to this popular networking site.

And I'm not condemning. I've thought a million times over of getting off of Facebook completely because, to be honest, it's dangerous. But I can't. I would feel so isolated. Isn't that amazing? By simply leaving a website, I would feel cut off from the world.

But such is life. This, ladies and gentlemen, has been my Facebook rant. I will likely go from here to there, as both blogspot and Facebook are in my Favorites bar.

With much power comes much responsibility.

This morning I got up earlier than I've gotten up in months. I washed my hair and put on my make-up and stood in the middle of my room in my polka-dotted bath robe wondering... What outfit says, "Lindsey Hays, Substitute Teacher Extraordinaire"? What ensemble, in a closet full of items ranging from silk metallic blazer and pencil skirts to dandelion yellow cardigan and skinny jeans, says, "I'm the boss, apple sauce"? What is the exact combination of tops, bottoms, and accessories to say, "Because I said so."

Yes, today I transformed from Lindsey, grad school student and full-time socialite, to Miss Hays, no-nonsense substitute teacher and commander-in-chief of the classroom.

I geared up in a modest but casual navy turtleneck and grey cords and topped it off with a J. Crew headband, and I walked the hallways of my Alma Mater with authority. A student made a phone call in class (I know, right?!), and I snapped at her that when I was in school that kind of thing wasn't allowed (fun fact: kids love to see their classmates reprimanded; my warning was followed by ooh's and ahh's and pleads to write a referral). Later, I had to ask a young man, who was supposed to be working on a history project, if Ben Franklin was in fact his Facebook friend. That was a crowd pleaser.

Oh yes, the power went to my head, and you can be sure I didn't make many friends. But when you are indeed smaller than your students (in the hall, "Where'd she go? Oh, ha, I thought she was one of us!"), you have to establish yourself in a big way... and I'm up for the challenge.

Look out, 8th grade math, you're next.

One Day At A Time.

I don't really know where to begin. My fingers dance over the keyboard as I think of all the ways to go with this new chapter... I could use this as a place to get out my sadness and worries, or blog about the faith journey I'm on with God, or about how incredible my friends have been... and I guess I'll just do it all.

But know this, friends: whatever I write on here, don't begin to feel sorry for me. Life happens. I have these brilliant moments of clarity where I know that I'll be fine... more than fine, I'll be incredible. And then overwhelming moments of fear when I consider what I've lost.

All these stupid songs run through my head... The one from My Best Friend's Wedding, where Cameron Diaz belts "I just don't know what to do with myself, I'm so used to doing everything with you..." The one where Bonnie Raitt powerfully wails, "I can't make you love me..."

And funnily enough, it's those stupid songs that make me laugh, that kind of make me smile at my own melodrama. My mom and I sat at the kitchen table tonight talking, and both of us laughed until we cried when some song about "why do the birds still sing, why do the waves rush to the shore... don't they know that the world ended since you don't love me anymore." It's little moments like that... being able to laugh and be objective... that remind me that things will be good again, even if at the moment I'm terrified of being alone with my thoughts.

I'd like to take a moment to brag. This is one of those moments where I want to say, "My friends are better than your friends" or "My dad can beat your dad up." But I won't. Or maybe I will... My friends and sweet family have continually raised me up in prayer and love, and I have never been more grateful. I am flooded with emotion as I think about the love I have encountered just as a result of the love that I have lost. From beautiful lyrics that remind me of a Savior with a plan, to a trip to the Sticks to shoot guns in the ice and snow, to just a sweet text to let me know I am loved... I am shrouded in grace right now. I'm going on lunch dates with my dad, road trips with my bests, and serious therapy in writing... I'm considering taking piano lessons and looking forward to reconnecting with sorority sisters right up the road.

I will push forward and rejoice in Him and His many blessings until He calls me home. And you, friends, are those blessings.

I think often of this hymn and how it blesses my heart:

When peace like a river attendeth my soul,
When sorrows like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

My heart is broken, but my soul is intact and saved for eternity, praise Jesus.

A Very Merry Un-Valentine...

I feel like a celebrity making a press release... only I've always wanted to be a celebrity, and I can scarcely imagine anything much worse than writing what I'm about to write.

Most of the few of you that read my blog will know this, but for those of you who are reading from afar, here it is.

I write about my boyfriend, Evan, often. He has been one of my best friends since 10th grade, and even when we have been far away and distracted, we have turned to each other for support from time to time. We started dating a year and a half ago, and it has been wonderful. After much thought and prayer, though, Evan and I have broken up. God is doing so much in my life and in his, and right now it appears that His will for our lives does not necessarily involve each other.

This has been incredibly hard on me, and I don't expect it to get better anytime soon. I have prayed and begged and pleaded, believe me, but I am trusting God. I am finding rest and assurance in a God that bore the weight of the world on His shoulders for my salvation, a Savior that has a perfect plan for my life.

As typical of my generation, I sent a mass text to my nearest and dearest when it first happened; I just couldn't bear the thought of someone mistakenly calling me up to ask what Ev and I had planned for the weekend. Immediately, my friends started pouring out their love for me and offering to come pick me up or talk to me or call me. I am brought to tears just thinking about how my incredible friends lifted me up as my heart broke within me. I do not, though, want to talk about it. Some of you may be tempted to call me: don't. Please know that I love you, but if you call me, please don't ask me what happened or if I've heard from him. My heart is broken, and with every changing season I'll remember what I was doing with Evan this time last year or something like that... what I need right now is love and distraction and laughter, not to repeat the conversations and events that led to this decision.

I am not ashamed to ask anyone who's willing to pray for me-- and Evan-- at this time. I'm getting a lot of "God has a plan" from loved ones, and I know that to be true... but I'm desperate to see that plan right about now, because this feels pretty lousy.

Don't feel sorry for me, though... and don't worry, I'm sure you'll hear the conversations and events somewhere down the grapevine. ;)

Life is short but sweet for certain.

Few things in this life are certain. We're not promised a tomorrow, not even another breath.

But I've narrowed down a few things that are certain, rock-solid fact.

First, I worship a God that is all-knowing; He knew before I was a twinkle in my parents' eye, He knew me in my mother's womb, and even now He knows the count of every hair on my head and every thought and desire of my anxious heart. He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future (Jer. 29:11). And this life, this beautiful and terrifying life, is just a blip before I spend an eternity worshipping at the feet of the One who loved me first.

Green is the most perfect color. It's vibrant and full of energy, and my personal favorite is primary, kelly green. My sunglasses are green, my sheets are green, my fingerless gloves are green, two of my scarves are green, my favorite throw is green... and the beat goes on.

John Mayer is my generation sexiest artist. Period. His face and neck strain with every chord and lyric, and his passion is palpable. Not to mention his undeniable talent that is so beautiful it can only be described in the ugliest words: sick, disgusting, wicked.

My family is one of my greatest blessings. My mom is my best friend, and my dad can always make me laugh. Always.

Harry Potter is the best series of books ever written. I cry every time I read them over again because running out of words is like losing a friend.

Beth Moore is unquestionably my favorite Christian author. I believe God has used her in a big, big way in my life, and I wholeheartedly recommend that anyone and everyone read Believing God.

I've always wanted to be a celebrity, but I've never been certain what for... I love to sing, but I'm pretty average; I'm quite the drama-queen, but probably not Oscar-worthy. I love to write, though, but I'm not a creative writer. I can't just make up characters or dream up other worlds. I've been so inspired by Beth Moore, though, that I think if I'm ever noteworthy it will be because God poured into me and straight through my fingertips onto a Word document. Since I don't really make things up, I write about what I know... and if there's one thing I know, it's a God who redeems me and heals me time after time after time.

Naps are the greatest escape and medicine for my soul. Call me a coward, but when my heart is weary and I cannot deal, the only thing I know to do is curl up and pray to a Father who hears me until I fall asleep and leave my situation. A minister once described falling asleep while praying (something I'm endlessly guilty of) to me as falling asleep in your Father's lap, like you did with your earthly father as a child. I think about that a lot and take great comfort in the visual.

Every character on Gilmore Girls, mostly, annoys me to death... but as an ensemble, the show is magic. I will watch every episode over and over.

Okay, that list got out of hand. Maybe more than a few things in life are for certain.

I mean, I kind of had to, didn't I?

Do you think you'll ever be in love?

I've thought I was in love several times (sing it to me Taylor Swift, "When you're 15 and someone tells you they love you, you're gonna believe it..."), but mostly I've just been "in like" or "in fascination"... I've never not loved Evan though. He was my best guy friend in high school, which made it incredibly easy to fall in love with him on boat rides on Lake Guntersville under the hot July sun just a couple of summers ago...

Do you miss anyone?

Evan can attest that some days I have overwhelming home-sicknesses. There are just these days when I want to hear my dad's laugh down the hallway or see my mom sitting at the kitchen table, glasses perched on her nose, reading the paper and surrounded by all the family pets. I'm shocked to say that I miss Wednesday night chapters and brief moments of fashion police and passing notes with my favorites in my pledge class. I miss Lauren, who is easily the only friend I've ever been completely comfortable with... I never worried if Lauren was bored or wishing she was somewhere else because we could just be. Over Christmas break, I had more "girls nights" then I've had in my lifetime, and it's safe to say I miss my female fellowship with Anna and Erica and newlywed Lele. So yeah, I miss a few people.

What are you listening to?

I was watching Gilmore Girls, but in the course of my blogging it has faded into What I Like About You, which reminds me that it's time for my daily dose of What Not to Wear.

If you could be anywhere, where would you choose to be?

Traveling is one of my passions, so I'm up for going anywhere. I struggle, though, with wanting to revisit places I've been and fallen in love with or going somewhere completely different and new. I would love to return to Sweden and stay with my "brother" or go back to my previous summer home, Italy, where Peter walked and preached so many centuries ago or do England over again since I have developed such an obsession since I was last there... At the same time, though, I need to visit Paris and Greece and Germany and Egypt and Israel, not to mention the places I haven't been stateside: Boston, Seattle, LA, New Orleans, Charleston, San Francisco, Savannah, Dallas... or go back to DC or Chicago or NYC or Wyoming or Vegas.

Thanks for focusing the rest of my day on traveling daydreams, survey.

Did you laugh at all today?

I haven't had a sincere "lol" moment yet today because I just haven't been awake long enough, but I've been amused several times.

Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with?

Evan, whose sweet grandmother passed away yesterday morning.

What color are your sheets?

They are bright green, and my precious "in-laws" gave them to me for my birthday. They're silky soft and have a weird sheen to them, which gives them kind of a trashy look, and I love them so so much.

Are you clumsy?

I have my moments, but I've never considered myself particularly clumsy, no.

What made you start liking the person your currently into?

Look out, this could get long. I met Evan when I was in 8th grade and he was on the golf team that my dad coached. I would hang out on the driving range-- this trend goes back to when I was a toddler-- while the boys swung and hacked away. I don't know how we got into it, but Evan sang the "Elmo Song" to me. It was so funny and sweetly embarrassing and genuine. Later, in high school, Evan made me laugh constantly and looked at me like I was the only person in the room (don't get me wrong, I loved this, but I was not "into" him yet). Later in life, when I knew that I knew that I knew that I knew that Evan was one of the most intelligent, wittiest, genuinely kind men I had ever met, I had that "duh" moment.

What will you be doing tonight?

Tonight I'll go to class, and then I'll make the long drive home to be with the Harveys.

Will you be up before 7am tommorow?

Almost definitely not.

Do you believe that there's good in everybody?

I would like to think so...

If there were no letters on the keys on your keyboard could you still type?

It might take me a second to get going, but once I had my bearings, definitely.

In the past week have you cried?

No, I don't think so. Almost last night, but nope.

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

Like any good girlfriend, Evan. Duh.

If a guy/girl put their jacket on a puddle for you, would you actually walk on it?

I would much rather a guy pick me up and swing me over the puddle, like you'd see in a musical. But to answer your question, absolutely not.

What distance would you go to see someone you really liked?

I have driven as many as three hours, but I think that's the max so far. That's not to say it's as far as I would go, though...

Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your own bed?

Any time I'm at the Harvey house, I immediately fall asleep on the red couch.

Do you watch MTV anymore?

Can't say that I do, unless there's and ANTM marathon (duh).

So, what do you want for your birthday?

I want to go to my Papaw's lake and fish and maybe take a boat ride on the lake to look at houses and then sing around a fire in my back yard... with everyone I love in this world.

If you had to choose what your mother would wear for the rest of her life, would you?

Maybe... sometimes Mom's spot on, sometimes... she's not. :)

If your best-friend told you that she was going to get a new haircut, that you thought was ugly, would you try to tell her not to?

Lauren and I are the queen of hair cuts and colors; I would gladly give her my opinion.

Do you think this year will be better than the last?

I don't see why not, although I did some pretty rockin' things in '09...