One Day At A Time.

I don't really know where to begin. My fingers dance over the keyboard as I think of all the ways to go with this new chapter... I could use this as a place to get out my sadness and worries, or blog about the faith journey I'm on with God, or about how incredible my friends have been... and I guess I'll just do it all.

But know this, friends: whatever I write on here, don't begin to feel sorry for me. Life happens. I have these brilliant moments of clarity where I know that I'll be fine... more than fine, I'll be incredible. And then overwhelming moments of fear when I consider what I've lost.

All these stupid songs run through my head... The one from My Best Friend's Wedding, where Cameron Diaz belts "I just don't know what to do with myself, I'm so used to doing everything with you..." The one where Bonnie Raitt powerfully wails, "I can't make you love me..."

And funnily enough, it's those stupid songs that make me laugh, that kind of make me smile at my own melodrama. My mom and I sat at the kitchen table tonight talking, and both of us laughed until we cried when some song about "why do the birds still sing, why do the waves rush to the shore... don't they know that the world ended since you don't love me anymore." It's little moments like that... being able to laugh and be objective... that remind me that things will be good again, even if at the moment I'm terrified of being alone with my thoughts.

I'd like to take a moment to brag. This is one of those moments where I want to say, "My friends are better than your friends" or "My dad can beat your dad up." But I won't. Or maybe I will... My friends and sweet family have continually raised me up in prayer and love, and I have never been more grateful. I am flooded with emotion as I think about the love I have encountered just as a result of the love that I have lost. From beautiful lyrics that remind me of a Savior with a plan, to a trip to the Sticks to shoot guns in the ice and snow, to just a sweet text to let me know I am loved... I am shrouded in grace right now. I'm going on lunch dates with my dad, road trips with my bests, and serious therapy in writing... I'm considering taking piano lessons and looking forward to reconnecting with sorority sisters right up the road.

I will push forward and rejoice in Him and His many blessings until He calls me home. And you, friends, are those blessings.

I think often of this hymn and how it blesses my heart:

When peace like a river attendeth my soul,
When sorrows like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

My heart is broken, but my soul is intact and saved for eternity, praise Jesus.