Stop This Train.

This is one of my favorite John Mayer tunes-- and that's saying a lot, since pretty much every song he writes is perfection. The lyrics just get me every time; in so many ways, this is where I am in life: pushing forward then falling back, excited for the next adventure but terrified to round the corner. Here, I'll let John tell you...

So scared of getting older,

I'm only good at being young.

So I play the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun.

Had a talk with my old man, said, "Help me understand."

He said, "Turn 68, you'll renegotiate. 

Don't stop this train.

Don't for a minute change the place you're in."

So I like to think, "Okay, I'm 23-- 24 in less than a month-- and that's young. Like, really young. Closer to 20 than 30, and not even halfway to 50." I tell myself that I'm still a student, young and unmarried; my body is should be at the peak of existence, and I've never felt more comfortable with myself than at this very young age.

But then I work a day at the high school, and I think, "It's been a lifetime since I sat where you are." I wonder about the girls who went through rush this year and I realize this group of college freshmen were in middle school when I graduated high school. 

And I have conversations with my mom about 'that one time I worked at Storybook Farm' and then I realized that was my sophomore year of college... that was three boyfriends and about six hair colors ago. 

I think about what I was scared of and what I thought was cool, and I can honestly say that I wouldn't go back. I'll never be one of those people that refers to my time in high school as my golden years, and, while I loved Auburn more than any other time in my life, I wouldn't go back... because I might wake up at a different time one morning and change the entire story. Because the truth is, I'm right where I want to be.

And as beautiful and content as it is here, it's kind of terrifying to think about moving forward. Because forward isn't comfortable. Seeing clients in clinic because I'm officially at that level of grad school isn't comfortable; it's crazy. I'm only 23, for crying out loud. And taking comps and looking for jobs isn't comfortable; it's frightening. I'm too young to be an adult. But then again, my mother was married when she was my age... not living in her parents' basement.

So here I am: so close, yet so far away. An old fart one day, and a spring chicken the next. But most of those days, I just won't to stop the train. Just hit the pause button for a moment.