from Me to You.

Dear Flirtatious,

Hey girl, I got my eye on you. Yes, you. You know who doesn’t? Cutie in Camo in front of you. I hate to burst your hormonal bubble, but that stud muffin in front of you isn’t interested, no matter how many times you kick his chair or laugh entirely too loud at his joke. And that whole play fighting thing—give it up. It doesn’t actually hurt him when you flail your fists at him. It bothers him, but more importantly, it bothers me. So stop. I realize that you only have four years ahead of you to secure your run for ‘Biggest Flirt’ in the Senior Who’s Who, but girlfriend, trust me, you are working overtime here. Focus your energies on love letters if you must share your feelings, but please, for the sake of my sanity, cease your outrageous flirting.

Sincerely,

Elle the Sub.

Dear Sour Puss in Sixth Period,

Why yes, you do have to turn your desk around. And yes, you do have to copy the questions down. And yes, you do actually have to do work because you are, in fact, in school. Does that come as a surprise to you? Have you believed all along that you are part of some secret social society that meets regularly on week days? Sorry about your luck bud, but your frat days are many years ahead of you and this is neither a Christmas cocktail or band party. What’s that you’re muttering under your breath? You don’t understand why you have to do these things? Let me tell you an age old secret of why you have to do these things: because I said so.

Sincerely,

Elle the Sub.

Dear Over Achiever,

I delight in you. You, my dear, are the reason I grace this school with my presence. You come to class prepared, expect to do work because you are in school after all, and take full advantage of the free public education you are receiving. Sure, you whisper to your neighbor from time to time, but I love that about you. Why? Because you have learned the art of whispering, and that makes me feel like you are more accomplished than your peers who lack this life skill. You, sweet child, will go far in this life because you are so wonderfully agreeable and a refreshing change from the rest of your generation. Do you need a reference letter for college? Look me up, girl. Do you need a recommendation for the social sorority of your choice? I’m your (wo)man. Do you need someone to sit with you at lunch? Join me at the faculty table where your maturity will be appreciated. Are these other rambunctious children bothering you? Please, allow me to silence them for you.

Sincerely,

Elle the Sub.

Dear Twin Towers,

Hey, down here. Yep, waaay down here. How’s the weather up there, big guys? You two are entirely too tall to be freshmen. You obviously aren’t on a trendy organic diet because your height must be the result of the hormones pumped into grocery store chicken. What’s that? You think it’s funny that I must stand on this chair in order to talk to you? Yeah, well, I don’t like it either. Please make yourself available for my next class announcement, as I would like to sit atop your mountainous shoulders as I broadcast my edicts. Thanks in advance.

Sincerely,

Elle the Sub.

**Names and dates have been changed to protect the innocent... and the not-so-innocent.