It's not okay.

This is one of my many confession posts.

Okay, deep breath, here goes: sometimes, when I'm awfully low, or really just bored, I watch... drumroll, please... I watch A Baby Story.

There. It's out there in cyber world, and I am breathing just a bit easier.

Now this show, for anyone who hasn't tuned in, is ridiculous. One hundred percent, unadulterated ridiculousness. Why anyone would want to broadcast this "special day" on cable television is beyond me, but alas, there they are on TLC-- legs hiked up in stirrups and sweat flowing down their grimaced faces-- for all to see.

Yesterday I watched back-to-back episodes, which was a little much even for me. First, we had a couple who were first time parents delivering in a hospital. The dad was far too excited for his own good, continually peering around to watch the crowning and other such uncomfortable occurrences. He did what he called his 'daddy dance' and proclaimed proudly to the camera that he even got to "help move the Britney around to release the head."

**Note: "Britney" is code word for a certain part of the female body that my girl Britney Spears flashes from time to time to unsuspecting paparazzi. The proud daddy actually used anatomically correct terminology, but the v-word has no place on this blog.

Whoa, Big Daddy, there is no need for all that. That's what nurses are for. You sit back toward your wifey's head and let her squeeze your hand until your knuckles crack. At no point in time should you be south of her knees. Your sole purpose in that room is to take accept the blame for putting her in this lousy predicament via her soul-crushing accusations. You may also feed her ice and mop her brow. Nothing else.

Second up were, appropriately, second time parents. Their first child, Uva (oo-vuh), was born in a hospital after coming pre-term. The second time around, the Earth parents opted for a home birth, complete with baby pool in the living room in case of a water birth. Mommy laid in the floor chanting to herself as the midwife rubbed her and chanted back. When Mommy finally climbed into her swimming pool, Uva was there at ringside to observe the birth. Oh yes, you read that right. Two-year-old Uva watched her mom give birth in a baby pool in the living room.

Tee-totally normal. Not traumatic at all, I'm sure.

Some people shouldn't reproduce. Exhibit A: Uva's parents.

People, this is not okay.