if only.

This summer I've been attending a Bible study at my church in Tuscaloosa on Tuesday mornings. 

(you might could guess that I saw 'Beth Moore' in the bulletin and signed up without a second thought)

On Tuesday mornings, I'm the youngest in the class by a decade or more. As my classmates discuss their husbands and children, I sit back and listen and drink in a little wisdom here and there, but I'm hardly silent. As the youngest member of our Tuesday morning tribe, there has been a great deal of interest in me from this little group of mothers in which I have found myself. The maternal instincts ooze as each one asks me what I'm doing, how long I've been here, what I plan to do, and-- without fail-- am I single?

It almost always comes up that I graduated from Auburn... which is no coincidence or anything as I'm willing to tell anyone who will listen. But the next question is obvious: so... how'd you end up here?

I would love to say that grad school brought me here, but that's not really true. In fact, that's far from the truth as my beloved Auburn has a school counseling program and a very good one to boot-- one that caters to my age group rather than the returning teachers to which UA appeals. So that's not a really great explanation. Inevitably, I sigh loudly, roll my eyes, and deliver a line that makes me cringe for being *that* girl: I followed a boy. 

Usually my delivery indicates the result, but occasionally someone will ask if we're still together. No, I say... no, we're not. But here I am!

And the really caring, motherly types-- like the kind ladies in my Bible study-- always press on: oh dear, that must've been so hard. Are you doing okay?

And because I'm an oversharer, I launch into my whole schpill... yes, there was quite a bit of weeping and gnashing of teeth; yes, it was enormously, gut-wrenchingly heartbreaking, but you live and learn; and yes, I've questioned God more times than I can count (or care to admit) why on Earth I am here and how in the world can this possibly be part of His will for my life? If only He had stepped in, intervened somehow... If only I had known how it would turn out... If only I had not been a stupid girl following a stupid boy ("stupid" is really the nicer of the applicable adjectives).

It's at this point in the story that the ladies nod sympathetic heads and offer quiet noises of compassion. I allow this because I genuinely appreciate their concern, but I love when I get to my favorite part of the story. The part where it all starts to make sense. The part where all the pieces fell together. The "Ah-ha!" moment-- even if it took a very, very long time to come around, an amount of time that is even laughable at this point because it's so outrageous... the Lord might just make a patient woman out of me yet.

Assured that I'm happy and whole, my new mommies were ready to jump into our third session of Beth Moore's "Inheritance" study (note: you need this in your life). That Beth, always up to something... wouldn't you know this week she launched into trusting God in the broken times, allowing the Lord to teach us through our trials, and thanking Him for the outcomes. Now, we all know how I adore Beth, but she wouldn't want the credit for this and I'm not going to give it to her. Some things are just beyond even a saint like Beth (Catholics, please consider: Saint Beth. You won't be sorry). Some things are so clearly from God that it gives your goosebumps their own goosebumps. 

It was the kind of sermon/lesson where you find yourself nodding constantly and offering up multiple "Yesses" and "Amens" without really realizing that you're talking out loud... and, in my case, without realizing that I've suddenly morphed into a 40-something who says things like "Yes" and "Amen" during a sermon.

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

Psalm 16:6

It may not be pleasant when the lines are drawn. Sometimes the lines, it seems, are forcibly cracked into place, painfully etched far outside our comfort zones. The journey may not have been beautiful; in fact, it may have been downright ugly...

But as a Child of God, when the pieces starting falling into place, you'll look around and realize that those lines that once felt more like scars have indeed fallen in pleasant places-- places right in the center of God's will-- and your inheritance-- the Lord Himself and all His abundance!-- is truly, incomprehensibly beautiful. And all those If only's will appear blessedly unfulfilled.