xoxo.

Hi, my name is Lindsey, and I've been awkward for 23 years now.

Specifically, I'm really awkward about touch. Inevitably, when someone goes for a handshake I go in for a two-armed hug, or they go for knucks and I hit them with a high five. I think the root of my problem is my tendency to over-think. From the moment you start coming in for a hug, my mind is reeling with decisions. Are you going for a one-arm-around-the-waist or a full body bear hug? Are you going to put your arms around mine, or should I raise my arms up around your neck? Full-frontal flankage is pretty intense, and just what are your intentions? And where do I put my head-- is this a cheek-to-cheek business, or should I go ear to chest? Heaven forbid you should misinterpret my head placement and think I'm coming in for landing on a kiss on the cheek.

I'm getting anxious just thinking about it.

I think I realized I was awkward sometime in college, and I've decided to embrace. If I'm going to make a situation uncomfortable, I might as well joke about it. So instead of chortling nervously after I've thrown myself into a full-on two-arm squeeze just in time to realize you were going for the side hug, I announce before hand what my intentions are: "Okay, how are we doing this? Two arms? Perfect. I'm going to slowly place my head on your chest, but only for a second. Please, no eye contact necessary. Aaaaaand, we're done. Great. Was that okay for you? Good deal."

I've tried the excuse that I'm just not into touching, that my personal bubble is very important to me. But that's just not true. Actually, I'm very affectionate... my affection is just the result of a deliberate decision-making process. Lauren and I don't hug; we have an unspoken understanding. David and I discuss it outloud: are we going to hug? Let's do this. Those kinds of agreements make my life easier. A little verbal contract never hurt anyone.

So when I sign off 'xoxo,' you can know that those little o's (the x's are the kisses, right?) are calculated cyber hugs, but only if you're comfortable with them.