yikes.

This time of year gets people thinking about life changes: lose weight, work out more, read the Bible in a year, spend less time on Facebook, give up chocolate, etc. I'm no good at resolutions, though, because as soon as I say, "I'm only going to drink water," the only thing in this world that I want is a Coca-Cola Classic. Maybe I have a problem with authority, but something about absolutism just makes me want to rebel.

So I'm trying to avoid making a resolution, but I can't help at least doing some reflection. I think reflection leads to growth, and doesn't everyone want to grow? A stagnant life is no life at all... or at least it's quite boring. Some reflection is rather painful though, and I'm afraid that's where this is headed.

**caution: this is a downer blog.

I'm sensitive, okay? I always have been, and I might always will be (see, there I am avoiding the urge to resolve to not be sensitive... ah, this no resolution thing is so simple). As a small child, if I even thought someone was talking about me I would burst into tears. Maybe I suffered from paranoia as it seems I assumed all comments about me were negative. As an older child, I moved schools twice, which ultimately led to the discomfort of being the outsider as well as some blatant bullying. And then as a high schooler, I always felt like I was on a different page than everyone else. Maybe it was life experience-- having been the new kid, having experienced extreme loss-- or maybe I was just awkward, I'm not sure, but I had a very hard time connecting with kids my own age. In fact, I spent a lot of time with older kids... which meant that by the time I was the "older kid," I was in quite a fix.

So, yes, I'm sensitive. I blame it on having been bullied and an inherent inability to take criticism. Sarcasm is my native tongue, and I can go one-on-one with someone any day in a battle of wits... but you put two people against me, and you have a meltdown on your hands. Being ganged up on or left out, as it turns out, is something of a phobia for me.

But I'm too sensitive, really. I'm much too old to pout the way I do when the boys are giving me a hard time-- and frankly, that would be entirely too much time pouting. They know how it riles me up, though, when they pick on me... and they've learned what really bothers me-- calling my high school friends weird (people, just because you preferred ultimate frisbee and a moe. t-shirt over football and a camo jacket does not make you weird. open that mind up.), telling me how I feel about a situation-- and they love to push those buttons. Knowing this, you'd think I would get over it and roll my eyes. But no. It gets me every time.

So there, the cat's out of the bag. I really dislike this little characteristic of mine, and I can't imagine that my friends like it either, and I'm going to work on it... really. It's not necessarily my New Year's resolution, but I see no harm in a little self-improvement.